Is that you, Patches?” If “Patches” is your nickname for the naked man hiding in your closet with razorblades on his fingertips, then yes, it is.
“10 places to never, ever, ever go under any circumstances”
- Rooms lit by a single hanging light bulb.
- Rooms lit by nothing.
- Any graveyard that isn’t Arlington National Cemetary
- Summer camps whose annual counselor murder rate exceeds 10 percent.
- “The old _____________.”
- Hotels/motels that aren’t part of giant international chains.
- Any log cabin anywhere on the face of the earth.
“Signs that you should stop teasing a fellow student immediately”
- All the doors in the room suddenly slam shut.
- He or she gets a nosebleed.
- You get a nosebleed.
- He or she stares––unblinking––into the distance.
- He or she says something even remotely like “I wouldn’t do that if I were you…”
- Wind starts blowing through his or her hair, even though you’re indoors.
I have read How to Survive a Horror Movie so many times that the binding is falling off of my copy. I love this book.
Tips include how to survive high school (un-clique yourself, befriend the shop teacher, don’t use a locker, don’t do anything after school, and be nice to everyone), the seven deadly horror movie sins (doubt, machismo, independence, ugliness, curiosity, irresponsibility, and vehicular sex), and how to tell if your corn has children in it.
Being the wonderful, giving person that I am, I’m going to spam this blog with excerpts for a while. Because How to Survive a Horror Movie is excellent and should be read by anyone who wants a laugh. Or to learn how to survive a horror movie.